Please tell me why I should trust you, mirro

 

An open message to my life's mirrors

"Because I don't exist, only the thousands of mirrors that reflect me do. With each new acquaintance, the number of phantoms that look like me grows. They dwell someplace, and they proliferate somewhere. I don't exist by myself." - Nabokov, Vladimir

Some days, I'm not sure what occurred between us. When you projected a mirror of myself and the only thing that mattered was the brilliant grin I could see, I used to yearn for you. It used to be how I defined myself. When I was in dancing class, I used to search for you because you were the one who would soothe my need for excellence, my want to improve at something I adored. To comply with my teacher's directions, I would perceive the necessity to change my movement and leg placement in you. When I look at you, I see a dancer. I'd see a girl who was enamoured with what her body could accomplish when I looked at you.

Even yet, I'm still curious about what transpired between us.

I know you aren't to blame for my abandoning dancing courses; life was the catalyst. You will shatter if I hold you in my hands and let you fall because it is written in your nature that you are a breakable substance. You don't think, you don't speak, and yet... when I look at you, you're not the same person you used to be. So why should I put my faith in you if I ask:

Show me what I look like, mirror, mirror. You never respond in the same way.

"No one can know his own value unless it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being," says the author. - Powell, John Joseph

I've been thinking a lot recently about the different shapes and forms you've taken on. You used to be just a basic, breakable mirror to me when I was younger. You were in my restroom, my car, the stores, and my dancing class... However, it appears that you have twisted yourself in ways that I don't completely get now. Don't get me wrong: I'm not a knucklehead. I know you're hiding in the pocket of my pants (when there's room) or in my backpack, signalling to me that you want me to look at you and wonder why I look like this and not like that. But, as you can see, this is the crux of my disagreement with you. I'm not even sure what forms you can take nowadays.

I'm aware of your non-thinking condition, that you're merely an object, as I already stated. As a result, your only design option is to project. But why has that forecast altered so drastically? It's gotten to the point where I don't trust you any longer (while still unconsciously relying so much on you).

You see, I believe the shapes you've assumed over the years have altered, just as my brain has learned to expect from you. To put it another way, the projection you offer me today can be the product of what my brain has unwittingly been conditioned to look for in you. Today, when I look at you, I pick up every aspect I do not like about what I see in you. I observe what used to make me say: this is unique, making me a remarkable person, but I don't recognise it. No, today I see what I've been trained to despise by society. Isn't it a real pity?

"Can you tell me what a mirror looks like?" – Chapterhouse: Dune, Frank Herbert

I don't have faith in you. Should I express regret? No, I'm enraged. Why did it take me so long to realise that what I see in you is the result of years of self-hatred? All of this has been fostered by society's beauty standards, which I have never met, and is concealed in my subconsciously wired brain.

"The mirror is the worst judge of actual beauty," Sophia Nam wrote. So I don't trust you, just as I don't trust the portion of my brain that will despise what you make me see.

But do I have faith in you? Yes. I'm sorry, but I can't help myself.

Accepting and appreciating the fact that you are not the key to the truth is a long way off. Is there anything I can do about it? Certainly not. Every day, though, is an opportunity for us to try to rewire what I see and, more importantly, what I want to see. Every day is unique, as is every reflection of myself that has been distorted by extraneous influences. Despite this, I am becoming more aware of it every day. It hasn't made it to my eyes or the unconscious portion of my brain yet, but I'm confident it will.

As a result, there are times when I wonder what went wrong between us. On occasion, I see you and realise that I shouldn't trust you. And days when I see you and feel beautiful even if I don't look at you in other people. When I went to dance classes, I used to look forward to seeing if my arabesque had improved since the previous session. And now I'm desperate for you to tell me that I'm attractive.